faith in faith

it's so lovely to be prayed for. more than that, it is important to me. i need prayers right now.

this is hard to explain, because i am not a praying person myself. i don't have faith, but i have a deep respect for others' faiths. i think they are vital, legitimate paths to truths.

if i could pick one, i might be a quaker; possibly a buddhist, even hare krishna. it's pointless to speculate, really, because i simply don't believe. at my most desperate moments it doesn't occur to me to pray, just in case, like i did as a burgeoning nonbeliever. i know i might be wrong and i might someday change my mind, but for now it's not a choice.

i believe that the only meaning my life or this world has is the meaning that i put into it. i can't be lazy; nothing is sacred without my own effort. if there is greatness, holiness, anything above savagery, it's because some of us have come together and created something.

also, there are no second chances, retributions, or prizes at the end.

in this context i think we all wander ultimately alone. not in a bad way, but totally alone. i am stuck behind an inpenetrable veil between my internal thoughts and the physical world, and under this clumsy guise try to reach out and touch others in the same predicament. (reminds me of on of my favorite bits of lyric: "Half of what I say is meaningless/But I say it just to reach you, Julia.")

i picture all of us: things that make no sense, stumbling around like Leslie N. in the Naked Gun movie wearing an entire body condom to get busy with the female lead. you can hug me but it's only my sense data that i really get from that, telling me i am feeling touched by something external.



but i like being prayed for because it's a contribution from inside that never tries to go out, and is not meant to hit me. it does not get stopped by the sludge between us because it's not trying to travel that distance. a prayer is a communication cast inward, and i like the thought of other little islands like me casting a good thought on my behalf into themselves, which are their own most real things.